Wednesday, May 2, 2012

A Modest Proposal

Today in biology class we broached the subject of global climate change. It came up as a part of ecosystem ecology, there have been several extinctions lately that are directly attributable to the loss of habitat as the result of climate change. It hit me! I have the solution. Plants are capable of absorbing immense amounts of carbon dioxide from the air to the tune of giga-tons a year. Only just slightly faster than animals produce carbon dioxide through the process of cellular respiration.

We might be able to attenuate climate change to nearly sustainable levels if we simply round up and exterminate all animals on earth besides us! Think about, if we are the only carbon dioxide producers, plants would be capable of removing all of our waste gasses for us. Better still is the fact that some of the dirty work is already being started for us naturally. More species are currently transitioning from threatened to endangered than ever before in the history of biological sciences.

So I implore you all, start with the dog and cat or what ever you need to do to numb your self to the pain, but you need to off set your carbon foot print your self. The average american is responsible 17.5 tons of carbon dioxide per year (including power generation and food transportation) and in order to balance that you will have to kill approximately 450 tons of animal bio mass per year to off set it (though more like 600 tons if you drive a Cadillac Esclade). We can each kill 450 tons of animals every year per person per year can't we? I mean it has to be easier than getting the federal government off our oil dependent economy, right?


  1. Meh, I like my solution better. We need to begin a mass chloroplastic endosymbiote program for everyone on the planet. Everyone who is already alive won't be able to take part. We'll start by creating retroviral chloroplast DNA and fusing it to stem cells in the early stages of fetal development. This way, when the baby is born it will not only be able to convert raw CO2 in the atmosphere to use as oxygen, but it will also glow a slight green color as well. Sure, the people born this way may only be able to move a few feet per day, but say goodbye to carbon footprints!

    1. Creative. But some micro organisms beat you to the punch, Apicomplexians and dinoflagllates of the kingdom Alveolata have a chloroplast they derived from a second endosymbiotic event. While the dinoflagllates are still able to preform photosynthesis, natural selection has re-purposed the organelle for devious ends. The apicomplexians are some of the most notorious parasites, using that very vestigial chloroplast as a tool for entering cells.

    2. Harvest their organs! Do something! Anything! Just don't hurt the baby polar bears!

  2. A very Swiftian 'Modest Proposal.' But is it necessary? All these carbon emissions are good plant food, and as we animals run out of O2 the plants will be living the high life. Maybe they are behind the scenes orchestrating the building of Humvees etc. using some form of mind control too subtle for us idiots to comprehend as they force us into terrforming the planet into a Plantocracy. I say 'Power to the Petunias.'